Quotes Funny (1270 Designs)

The reason i'm old and wise is because god protected me when i was young and stupid

Of course i talk to god who else can i trust

Sorry ladies i'm married to a freakin' sexy wife she's a bit crazy and scares me sometimes but i am her king she is my whole world i love her forever and always (yes, she bought me this shirt)

Blood stains are red. ultraviolet lights are blue. i watch enough murder shows they'll never find you

Back off i have a crazy sister she has anger issues and a serious dislike for stupid people and i'm not afraid to use her

How do you sleep at night knowing people don't like you

I'm not the nice sibling i'm the "wtf you looking at" sibling

I don't need anger management people just need to stop pissing me off!

My wife is the coolest sweetest most gorgeous woman i have ever seen she is my best friend and my life

This woman has fought a thousand battles and is still standing has cried a thousand tears and is still smiling has been broken & betrayed but still walks proud this woman is beautiful this woman is humble this woman is me

Back off! i have a crazy wife and i'm not afraid to use her

I'm trying to stop being mean but it's like y'all have to stop being stupid first

I’ll put you in the trunk And help people look for you Don’t test me!

Nope i can't go to hell satan still has a restraining order against me

Some grandmas cuss and will kick your ass if you mess with their grandkids it’s me i’m some grandmas

I have a tattooed daughter just like a normal daughter except much cooler

You can't scare me i have a crazy daughter she has anger issues and a serious dislike for stupid people and i'm not afraid to use her

you can't scare me i have a crazy grandma who happens to cuss a lot she has anger issues & a serious dislike for stupid people mess with me she will slap you so hard even google won't be able to find you

5 Things you should know about my grandma

Mess with me i fight back mess with my family and they’ll never find your body

When i die i don’t want anybody at my funeral i will come to visit you.

Once you put my meat in your mouth you’re going to want to swallow

It’s not a party until the wiener comes out

Warning I have a Crazy Wife and I'm not afraid to Use Her

Marriage is just two people fighting over the Thermostat Forever

my husband says it's hunting season I say it's Finding My Keys Season

I'm the wife so I'm Always Right and when I'm wrong See Above

sorry ladies this grumpy old man is taken by a Crazy Wife who scares me Just Enough

It's not a dad bod it's a Father Figure With Snacks

I hate being this handsome but I'm a Bearded Old Man so I can't Help It

Yes I'm spoiled but not by you I belong to a Grumpy Old Grandpa who'd fight a Bear for me

I'm not grumpy I'm just a Retired Man who's been Awake Since 5

Honey Do List 1. fix the sink 2. fix the door 3. fix the fence 4. Hide in the garage

I'm Old but I'm not slow I just Don't Care enough to Hurry

My wife says I never listen or something Like That

Good men still exist I know because I Married One he's grumpy, stubborn And All Mine