Quotes Funny (1222 Designs)

Don't get me started, b!tch. I don't come with brakes.

I avoid people because my temper can go from 0 to life in prison in 2 seconds.

Dear algebra, please stop asking us to find your X. She is never coming back and don't ask Y.

Anybody else have a voice in their head that repeats “slap the idiot! slap the idiot!” no? just me? hmm... odd

I always thought my mom was crazy and now i realize it was me. i'm the one that drove her crazy. i totally get it now

I’m a mom grandma and a great grandma nothing scares me

I'm a bitch (beautiful intelligent thoughtful caring honest) with a low bullshit tolerance. don't try me

Oh, I pissed you off? Suck it up, buttercup. I’m a bitch. It’s what I do.

Warning: This asshole does not play well with stupid people

Having a vagina doesn’t stop me from believing that my balls are bigger than yours

Sometimes i sit quietly & wonder why i'm not in a mental asylum then i take a good look around at everyone and realize.. maybe i am

I'm a cranky short girl if you don't want a sarcastic answer don't ask a stupid question

Don't worry about getting older you're still gonna do dumb stuff only slower

I'd walk through fire for you, sister. Well, not fire, that would be dangerous. But a super humid room. But not too humid. Because you know... my hair.

I have red hair because God knew I needed a warning label.

Grandpa knows everything. If he doesn't know, he makes stuff up really fast.

Warning! This girl is protected by the good Lord and a crazy Nana.

I am not bipolar. I am multipolar. That means I cry and laugh while I beat the shit out of you.

Someone just called me normal I have never been so insulted in my entire life

I’m not old I woke up I lifted my arms I moved my knees I turned my neck Everything made the same noise Crrr aaacckkk!

I am putting myself in timeout until I can play nice with others this may take a while because stupid people are everywhere

Once I start smiling in an argument, go ahead and call the police on me. You’ll need them.

I don’t know when exactly that UFO landed and dumped all these stupid people, but they apparently are not coming back for them.

I know I’m in trouble when the voices in my head start a group chat.

I may not have been my mother’s favorite child, but I was the first one she thought of whenever the police turned up.

Just before I die, I am going to swallow a bag of popcorn kernels. My cremation is going to be epic.

I would like to apologize to anyone I have not yet offended Please be patient I will get to you shortly

I’m pretty sure my guardian angel just sits there watching me as she paints her nails rolls her eyes and mutters under her breath

I’ve been gooder I’ve been badder Many times thinner Lots of times fatter There’s stuff I remember And stuff I forget

Sorry I hurt your feelings when I called you stupid I thought you already knew

I’m on my second guardian angel. My first one quit and is now in therapy.

Skilled workers are hard to find. That’s why idiots are promoted to management.

It was a lot more fun being 20 in the 70s than it is being 70 in the 20s.

Sometimes I sit quietly & wonder why I’m not in a mental asylum. Then I take a good look around at every one and realize... maybe I am.

Some of y’all come from the “If you’ll quit crying, I’ll buy you something” generation. We came from the “If you don’t quit crying, I’ll give you something to cry about” generation.

Sometimes I sit quietly and wonder why I’m not in a mental asylum. Then I take a good look around at everyone and realize... maybe I am.