Quotes Funny (1222 Designs)

Back off, I’ve got enough to deal with today without having to make your death look like an accident.

I annoy stupid people and you are looking a bit upset right now.

Better worry about your own sins because God ain’t gonna ask you about mine.

Aging may have slowed me down, but it is yet to shut me up.

I’m not clumsy. I did not trip and fall. I attacked the floor and I believe I am winning.

Some grandmas cuss and will kick your ass if you mess with their grandkids. It’s me. I’m some grandmas.

Nope, I can’t go to Hell. Satan still has a restraining order against me.

Sorry, I am already taken by a sexy & crazy girl. She’s stubborn, messy & a brat at times. She’s clumsy, loud & a bit silly sometimes.

My best friend may not be my sister by blood, but she’s my sister by heart.

Short girls look so sweet & cute until you piss them off... then they're like a chipmunk with rabies

Oh you hate me? join the club! there are weekly meetings at the corner of fuck you st and kiss my ass blvd

I hate being sexy but i’m a chubby bearded man so i can’t help it

When mom says “no,” ask grandma! When grandma says “no,” call in the boss. That’s right... great grandma. Great grandma’s rule.

Don’t tell me I haven’t got balls. I just happen to wear mine on my chest & I can guarantee they’re a lot bigger than yours.

It was a lot more fun being 20 in the 70s than it is being 70 in the 20s

It's weird being the same age as old people.

Keep rolling your eyes, bitch. Maybe you'll find a brain back there.

You're about one smart-ass comment away from being my co-star on an episode of Snapped.

When Mom says “no,” ask Grandma. When Grandma says “no,” call in the boss. That’s right… Great-Grandma. Great-Grandma’s rule.

I’m putting myself in timeout until I can play nice this may take a while because stupid people are everywhere

There’s nothing I can’t do except reach the top shelf. I can’t do that.

29Lead me not into temptation. Oh, who am I kidding? Follow me. I know a shortcut.

Just before I die, I am going to swallow a bag of popcorn kernels. My cremation is going to be epic.

Some of you came from the “If you stop crying, I’ll buy you something” generation. We came from the generation “If you don’t stop crying, I’ll give you something to cry about.” We are not the same.

It takes real skill to choke on air, fall up stairs & trip over completely nothing. I have that skill.

I may be a bitch, but at least I’m honest. I have no shame in my game… You just don’t like me because I see through your bullshit & I’m not afraid to call you on it. Deal with it, that’s what real bitches do.

These guns no longer identify as guns. They self-identify as hand-held wireless peacekeeping devices. You must accept them as such, or you are a racist bigot.

Grandma and grandson best partners in crime for life

Grandma and grandson best partners in crime for life

Yes! I’m a spoiled grumpy old man, but not yours. I’m the property of a freaking awesome wife. She was born in September. She is a bit crazy and scares me sometimes.

Don’t tell me I haven’t got balls. I just happen to wear mine on my chest & I can guarantee they’re a lot bigger than yours.

When mom says ‘no’ Ask grandma When grandma says ‘no’ Call in the boss That’s right... great grandma Great grandma’s rule

5 things you should know about my smartass daughter:

Just because I said “I know how to behave” doesn’t mean I’m going to.

I’m pretty sure my guardian angel just sits there watching me as she paints her nails, rolls her eyes and mutters under her breath “How did I get stuck with this one?”

If we switched back to cursive and stick shift vehicles, we could cripple an entire generation.