Quotes Funny (1222 Designs)

I refuse to kiss anybody's ass. You wanna be mad over some petty shit, stay mad because I don't give a fuck!

Still a little pissed. I can't fly or set things on fire with my mind.

I don't have a short temper. I just have a low tolerance for hypocrites and drama.

I am who I am. I'm weird, I'm lame, I run into things, I spill food, I trip, I scream about random & stupid stuff, but I like it that way.

It's not my fault you didn't read the fine print. I came with a warning label.

I can only please one person per day. Today is not your day. Tomorrow doesn't look good either.

Some people aren't just missing the odd screw. The whole freakin' toolbox is gone.

Don't worry about walking a mile in my shoes. Just try a day thinking in my head.

I'm at the age where my brain goes from "You probably shouldn't say that" to "What the hell, let's see what happens!"

If you see me smiling, it's because I'm thinking of doing something evil or naughty. If you see me laughing, it's because I've done it already.

Unless I'm sitting on your face, my weight is none of your business.

If you have an opinion about my life, please raise your hand. Now put it over your mouth.

If you think I'm a bitch, you are right. If you think I'm bossy, correct again. But if you think I'm gonna put up with your shit, you got it twisted.

Don't ask me for advice, I still think punching stupid people in the face is the right answer.

Too old to fight, too slow to run. I'll just shoot you and be done with it.

IDGAF if you don't like me. I don't live to please you.

I have a black belt in sarcasm, a degree in mouth with no filter, and I'm just a few credits short of punching stupid people I encounter every day.

I am in competition with no one. I have no desire to play the game of being better than anyone. I am simply trying to be better than the person I was yesterday.

People push me to my limits, but when I finally explode and fight back, I am the mean one!

Sorry! My nice button is out of order, but my bite me button works just fine.

Yes, I do have a beautiful daughter. I also have a gun, a shovel & an alibi.

I live on the corner of Funny Street and Silly Road in Crazy Town, which is in Psycho Valley, in a twisted state of mind.

If you get a different me, it's because I saw the real you.

If you're gonna be a smartass, first make sure you're smart. Otherwise, you're just an ass.

Has my mouth gotten me in trouble? Yes. Has it pissed people off? Yes. Am I going to stop speaking my mind? Not a chance!

If you see me smiling, it's because I'm thinking of doing something evil and naughty. If you see me laughing, it's because I've done it already.

It's only murder if they find a body. Otherwise, it is just a missing person. Now come on over here, I have something to show you.

I choose to play stupid, but trust me, I know everything you think I don't.

I want my daughter to be kind, but I also want her to know that she can throat punch someone if she needs to.

Before you try to hurt my feelings, keep in mind I don't have any and you probably do.

I'm not sure how you have your foot in your mouth, head in your ass and nose in my business, yet here we are.

Sorry, sarcasm falls out of my mouth like stupidity falls out of yours.

Did I piss you off? That's great. At least I'm doing something right.

I lose track of how many times per day I want to turn and say: You can't seriously be that fucking stupid.

It's simple. Don't mess with my daughter. Trust me, I'm the mom you don't want to cross, cause you have no idea what I'm capable of.

You know you’re getting old when you have more doctors than friends!